我思因我在 美文阅读

　　我思因我在

　　Ａｎｎａ

　　It is impossible to know all the thoughts and experiences that merge together to make a person. Countless images flash through my mind when I think how I have come to find myself. These images are like the 1)shards of a broken mirror, each piece reflecting a part, each piece connecting with the others to make a whole. As I gaze into the angular pieces of glass searching for their meanings, several similar scenes, each played out by different people, catch my eye. Placing them side-by-side, I find that these images are the same, and they reveal an essential part of my being.

　　The scenes begin with someone asking a young girl whether she is Chinese, Japanese or Korean.

　　“My parents are from Hong Kong, but I was born here in the United States,” is her reply.

　　It seems automatic for people to follow with, “Do you speak Chinese?”

　　“I speak very little Cantonese,” she replies. At this point, one of two things happens: the person with whom she is speaking becomes either 2)indignant or fascinated.

　　If the person she is speaking to is Chinese, he or she would often react with disappointment and hurt pride. She would be presumed to have joined the ranks of young Asians who “seek to 3)annihilate Chinese culture and its values.” This person would turn away from her and start speaking to her parents. They would say that she is not worthy of possessing her shiny black hair and dark 4)almond eyes. Hurtful whispers would crystallize into a rod of pain that to be thrust into her chest and the tears that appear would be difficult to hide. She knows at her core that she is not worthless, disrespectful or selfish, even if she is not the 5)idyllic Asian daughter, but the 6)agony would renew itself every time she hears the whispers.

　　In a conversation with someone not Asian, he may ask if she could teach him to say something in Cantonese. She’d 7)oblige, but could not help ??thinking that he is probably assuming things about her, “She’s smart; she must play the violin or piano; she’s good at math; she’s always respectful of her parents; she’s submissive; she doesn’t get into trouble; she’s only interested in school...”

　　It is human nature to create pictures of someone’s life from initial appearances, but it should be just that: a first impression. There are people who think they know her future before having talked to her, and presume that she wants to become a doctor or a lawyer. The notion that she aspires to be an independent filmmaker is alien to their minds. She is trapped in a cage of others’ expectations. They lose interest in her because they think they already know the details of her life.

　　Although I nearly drowned in the reflections of pain and frustration, they ultimately saved me. My soul, longing to stay alive, 8)incited my mind to develop a strong sense of self. If I were not secure in my identity, it would be lost to what others imagined it to be. I was resolute. I was not going to let anyone who thought I should be more conventional make me feel guilty for my lack of conformity. Some will always see me as a “9)twinkie,” yellow on the outside and white on the inside, or the “Asian girl,” submissive and 10)detached.

　　Those who take the time to get to know me would see a person who loves literature, music, film, theater and art; an open-minded environmentalist; human rights advocate; embracer of Chinese traditions; and hater of intolerance and 11)self-righteousness. The glass shards that initially wounded me have become part of the fusion creating my complete reflection.

　　我们无法了解组成一个人的全部思想和经历。当我思考我是如何找到自己时，数不清的形象闪过我的脑海。这些形象犹如一面破镜的碎片，每一块都反射出一个局部，每一块都与其他碎片共同组成一个整体。当我凝视棱角分明的玻璃碎片，寻求它们的意义时，一些相似的场景——每一个都由不同的人来上演——吸引了我的眼球。并置这些形象时，我发现它们都是一样的，都显示了我生命的一个基本部分。

　　这些场景始于某人问一个小女孩她是中国人、日本人还是韩国人。

　　“我爸妈来自香港，但我在美国这里出生。”这就是她的回答。

　　人们总会很自然地接着问道：“你会说中国话吗？”

　　“我只会说几句粤语，”她回答道。这时会发生以下两种情况之一：跟她说话的那个人或是变得忿忿不平，或是兴趣盎然。

　　如果和她说话的那个人是中国人，他/她经常会表现出失望和自尊心受损的样子。她会被对方自动归入那些“企图泯除中国文化和价值观”的年轻一代亚洲人的行列。这个人将离开她，开始和她父母讲话。他们会说她不配拥有亮泽的黑发和深色的杏眼。伤人的窃窃私语将具体转化为直插她胸口的一棒子痛，涌出的泪难以掩藏。她知道自己实质上并不是一文不值的，她既没有忘祖，也不自私，即使她不是那些过着恬静闲适生活的亚洲人的女儿，但每一次她听到那些私语，痛苦就会重现。

　　如果交谈的对象不是亚洲人，他可能会请她用粤语教他说一些东西。她会帮忙，但忍不住会想，他很可能已经形成对她的成见了：“她很聪明；她一定会拉小提琴或者弹钢琴；她数学很好；她总是孝敬父母；她很顺从；她不曾招惹麻烦；她只对念书感兴趣……”

　　通过最初的表象来设想某人生活的图景，这是人的本性，但那应该仅仅局限于：第一印象。有人还没有和她谈过，就认为自己知道她的未来，并认定她想要成为医生或者律师。他们绝对预料不到，她立志要成为一名独立的电影制作人。她被困于他人预想的囚笼里。他们对她不再感兴趣，因为他们认为他们已经对她的生活了如指掌了。

　　虽然我几乎溺死在痛苦和沮丧的'沉思中，这些苦想最终营救了我。我那渴望生命力的灵魂，刺激我的头脑去发展一种强烈的自我意识。如果我的身份认同不坚定，它就会被他人的想象所战胜。我很坚定。我不准备让任何认为我应该更保守一点的人，使我为自己的不随大流而感到内疚。一些人总是把我看成一个“香蕉妹”，外表是黄种人，内心却是白种人，或者认为我是“亚洲女孩”，会顺从，不合群。

　　那些花时间了解我的人将发现我是一个热爱文学、音乐、电影、戏剧和艺术的人；一个观念开放的环保主义者；人权的倡导者；中国文化的拥护者；还是一个憎恨心胸偏狭与伪善的人。起初伤害我的那些玻璃碎片，已经交融为我整体形象的一部分。

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